Humour

Amusing sentences

How funny some sentences are!

No wonder the English language is very difficult to learn:

The sick person was grapping a bunch of grape.
Hari's father fathered four children.
If you pay the electric bill soon we will be delighted, otherwise you will be de-lighted.
If you lend money in close friendship, it is sure to close friendship. – Y.M.N. Murthy
You cannot end a sentence with because because because is a conjunction.
Prior preparation prevents poor performance. (P5 Formula for success)
Success is sure for sincere seekers.
We polish the polish furniture.
He could not lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

v Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
v A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
v When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
v The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
v They were too close to the door to close it.
v A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
v Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
v I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
v The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
v At the Army base, a bass was pointed on the head of a bass drum.
v I did not object to the object.
v Sometimes she is mind-blowing and sometimes blowing mind.
v The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
v The bandage was wound around the wound.
v There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
v They were too close to the door to close it.
v The buck does funny things when the does are present.
v They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
v To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
v The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
v After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
v I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
v I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
v How can I intimate this to my most intimate friends?
v I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
v We can’t end a sentence with because because because is a conjunction.
v Prior preparation prevents poor performance (p5).
v Success is sure for sincere seekers.
v “Success comes in cans, not can’ts.”
v “You can’t spell success without U.”

Ø All desirable things in life are either ILLEGAL, BANNED, FATTENNING, EXPENSIVE OR MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE.

Ø There are two times when a man does not understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

Ø Time is a great healer but it is a lousy beautician.

Ø Age does not always bring wisdom sometimes it comes alone.

Ø An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears this is true.

Ø Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demands.

Ø Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Ø Behind a successful man, there is always a woman, and behind an able man, there are always other able men.

Ø A yawn may be bad manners but it is an honest opinion.

Ø Love letters are too precious and too dangerous. Precious: Lest they be lost! Dangerous: Lest they be found!

Ø Every girl knows that the sweet words her lover whispers in her ears are nothing but lies wrapped in sweet flavours.

Ø If you salute your duty, you need not salute anybody. But if pollute your duty, you should salute everybody. – Y.M.N. Murthy

Ø Without a rich heart, wealth is an ugly beggar. –Emerson

Ø Life is a theatre in which the worst people have the best seats. –William Inge

Ø Everything in excess is opposed to nature. –Hippocrates

Ø Love, friendship, respect, do not unite people as much as a common hatred for something.

Ø Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.

Ø The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubts. – Bertrand Russell

Ø Women are wiser than man because they know less and understand more. – James Stephens

Ø Flattery is counterfeit money which, but for vanity, would have no circulation.

Ø Your future depends on your dreams - So go to sleep!

Archimedes' Principle

When a student is totally or partially immersed in the depth of studies, he/ she experiences upward force from the teacher, which is equal to the loss in extra curricular activities.

Newton's first law of motion

Every student continues to remain in his/her state of rest unless a repulsive force of punishment imposed by the teachers acts him upon.

Newton's second law of motion

Newton's third law of motion

To every action (against the student) there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Fun with Science

Archimedes Principle

When a student is totally or partially immersed in the depth of studies, he/she experiences upward force from the teacher which is equal to the loss in extra-curricular activities.

Understand

A teacher to the student: "If you don't understand then you will tell me what you don't understand, understand"?

Notice

If you notice this notice, which you may have noticed, you may have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing.

Success has many fathers but failure is an orphan.

Isn't it amazing that they had computers way back in the time of Adam and Eve? Eve had an apple, and Adam had a Wang!

Stupid Questions!

v A stitch in time saves nine what?

v After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of water?

v After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

v Are female moths called myths?

v Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

v Are there any unguided missiles?

v Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?

v Are you telling the truth if you lie in bed?

v Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

v Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

v Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?

v Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?

v Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?

v Crime doesn't pay …does that mean my job is a crime?

-----I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate.

A book on Humour Collection

Funny Medical Definitions

Artery: The study of paintings.

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.

Barium: What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section: .A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan: Searching for kitty.

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.

Colic: A sheep dog.

Coma: A punctuation mark.

D & C: Where Washington is.

Dilate: To live long.

Enema: Not a friend.

Fester: Quicker than someone else.

Fibula: A small lie.

Genital: Non-Jewish person.

G. I. Series: World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.

Impotent: Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.

Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates: Cheaper than day.

Node: Was aware of.

Outpatient: A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.

Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative: A letter carrier.

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.

Rectum: Darn near killed him.

Secretion: Hiding something.

Seizure: Roman emperor.

Tablet: A small table.

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor: More than one.

Urine: Opposite of you're out.

Varicose: Nearby, close by.

Vein: Conceited

Hilarious Words of Motherly Wisdom

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man.
Midnight is past your curfew!"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER
"After all that money your father and I spent
on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER
"Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times
not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER
"I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher.
You still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER
"Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children?
Do you have any idea how hard it is
to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER
"All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, then take your hand
out of there and prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER
"Now, George, remember what I told you --
don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER
"Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe?
Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER
"I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney,
but you're starting to look a little purple."

BATMAN'S MOTHER
"It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize
how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from
the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER
"Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get
off your tuffet and start cleaning your room,
there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture.
Can't you do something about your hair?
Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER
"The next time I catch you throwing money across
the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER
"That's a nice story, but now tell me
where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER
"Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and
we've decided you can have your own telephone line.
Now will you quit spending so much time
in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER
"Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric
light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN

ANTIBODY

against everyone

ARTERY

the study of fine paintings

BACTERIA

back door to a cafeteria

BANDAGES

The Rolling Stones

BARIUM

what you do when CPR fails

BENIGN

what you be after you be eight

BOTULISM

tendency to make mistakes

BOWEL

letters like A, E, I, O, or U

CAESAREAN SECTION

a district in Rome

CARDIOLOGY

advanced study of poker playing

CAT SCAN

searching for ones lost kitty

CAUTERIZE

made eye contact with her

COLIC

a sheep dog

COMA

a punctuation mark

CONGENITAL

friendly

CORTIZONE

the local courthouse

D & C

where Washington is

DILATE

to live longer

ENEMA

not a friend

ENTERITIS

a penchant for burglary

the things on your head that you hear with

FESTER

quicker

FIBRILLATE

to tell lies

G.I. SERIES

baseball games between teams of soldiers

GENES

blue denim slacks

GENITAL

non-Jewish

GRIPPE

what you do to a suitcase

HANGNAIL

a coathook

HEMORRHOID

a male from outer space

HERPES

what women do in the Ladies Room

HORMONES

what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid

ICU

peek-a-boo

IMPOTENT

distinguished, well known

INPATIENT

tired of waiting

LABOR PAIN

hurt at work

MEDICAL STAFF

a doctor's cane

MINOR OPERATION

somebody else's

MORBID

a higher offer

NITRATE

lower than day rate

NODE

was aware of

ORGAN TRANSPLANT

what you do to your piano when you move

ORGANIC

church musician

OUTPATIENT

a person who has fainted

PARALYZE

two far-fetched stories

PATHOLOGICAL

a reasonable way to go

PHARMACIST

person who makes a living dealing in agriculture

PLASTER CAST

the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert

POST-OPERATIVE

a letter carrier

PROTEIN

in favor of young people

RECOVERY ROOM

place to upholster furniture

RECTUM

what happened to the Corvette

RED BLOOD COUNT

Dracula

RHEUMATIC

amorous

SALINE

where you go on your boyfriend's boat

SECRETION

hiding anything

SEROLOGY

study of English knighthood

SURGERY

a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply

STERILE SOLUTION

not using the elevator during a fire

TABLET

a small table

TERMINAL ILLNESS

getting sick at the airport

TIBIA

country in North Africa

TRIPLE BYPASS

better than a quarterback sneak

TUMOR

an extra pair

URINE

opposite of "you're out"

VARICOSE

very close

VEIN

conceited

Mathematical Amusement

3 is equal to 4

-12= -12

-12=9-21 and –12=16-28 also

So, 9-21=16-28

9=(3)² and 16= (4)²

Therefore, (3)²-21=(4)²-28

21=7*3 and 28=7*4

Therefore, (3)²-(7*3)=(4)²-(7*4)

Or, (3)² –2.3.7/2+(7/2)²=(4)²-2.4.7/2+(7/2)²

Or (3-7/2)²=(4-7/2)²

Or, 3-7/2=4-7/2

3=4

How to get the partners back?

FOR SOMETIME, BE A MATHEMATICIAN

First of all, remember the full form of MATH. Did you find it? Ah! It’s as follows:

“Mentally Affected Teachers Harassing Students”

Now, lets play a game

Once there was a fight between four families i.e. four husbands and four wives.

They divorced with each other. Once, the four husbands (1111) and four wives (0000) has gone to cinema but luckily they had the tickets of same seat i.e. they sat like this—11110000. Suddenly, light went off i.e. (-) and an electricity of 100 Volt was given. This was too much for the hall. So, again, it was reduced to 89 Volt, It wasn’t enough. Then it was given 90 Volts. i.e. (11110000-1008990). Then, after coming the light, it was found that the families which were parted were once found together i.e. the result is 10101010. This game is called “How to get the partners back?”

Hey, wait! The game has not finished yet.

Again the light went off i.e. (-) and an electricity of 100 volt was given. This was too much, so 99 volt was given. This was also too much. So it was made to 89. This was also too much. Now getting irritated it was given only 9 volt. Then, after coming the light, it was found that the wives had already run away.

i.e. 10101010-10099899=1111

CLEVER KALE

Kale and Bhale were to close friends. Once Kale came in crisis and took Rs. 1,00,000 from Bhale and after a short span of time he again took Rs. 2,00,000 from Bhale and told that he will return the money after a few months. But kale did not return his money even after a year. Then Bhale appealed in the Court about his money. But clever Kale proved mathematically that he did not take a rupee. He did it by following way. Kale says,

I took firstly Rs. 1,00,000 and Rs. 2,00,000 later. Rs. 1,00,000 = a, Rs. 2,00,000 = b

If a+b = c then, c = Rs. 3,00,000

Let’s multiply both sides by (a+b)

(a+b) (a+b) = c (a+b)

Or, a²+ab+ab+b²= ca+cb

Or, a²-ca+ab = cb-b²-ab

Or, a (a-c+b) = -b (-c+b+a)

Or, a (a+b-c) = -b (a+b-c)

Or, a = -b

Or, a+b = 0

Big Boss Man

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so, it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss – any asshole will do.

Business Love Letter - HUMOR !

Here is a letter written by a HR executive to his love:

Dearest Ms Juliet,

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 13th of Oct. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.

Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.

The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,

Romeo

DEFORMED WORDS

Psychotherapist == Psycho-the-rapist

Wisdom== Wisdumb

Philosophy==Foolosophy

The laziest mountain of the world=Mount Ever-rest

Deft Definition

A bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Adult education: Something that will continue as long as kids have homework.

Advice: A castor oil easy enough to give but dreadfully uneasy to take.

An octopus: An octopus is a sea creature that believes that "many hands make light work."

Anger: A momentary madness.

Anger: One letter short of "danger".

Atheist: One who prays when he can think of no other way out of his trouble.

Baby: A perfect example of minority rule.

Bachelor: One who can get out of bed on either side. One who looks but never leaps.

Brain: That with which we think we think.

Capitalism: If you have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull.

Celebrity: A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.

Census taker: A man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

College: Rest house for the restless.

Communism: If you have two cows, you give them to the government and they give you some milk.

Compromise: Simply changing the question to fit the answer.

Conference: A gathering of important persons who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Conference: A meeting of bored people.

Consultant: A man, who borrows your watch, tells you the time and then sends you a bill, because it is his profession.

Critic: A man who knows the way but can't drive the car.

Death: Death is nature way of telling you to slow down.

Death: Death is the greatest kick of all that is why they save it until last.

Democracy: Real version: - "Democracy is of the people, by the people and for the people."
Distorted Version: - "Democracy is off the people, bye the people and far the people."

Destiny: A respectable name for failure.

Dictatorship: If you have two cows, the government takes away both.

Diehard: A diehard has a mind like concrete-- all mixed up and permanently set.

Diplomat: A man who remembers a lady's birthday but forgets her age.

Diplomat: A person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

Egg: A day's work for a hen.

Etiquette: Learning to yawn with mouth closed.

Expert: A man who helps you go wrong with confidence.

Fanatic: A fanatic is someone who cannot change his mind and will not change the subject.

Flat rate: Flat rate--A garage man's charge for mending a puncture.

- Fred Allen

Friend: A person who listens attentively while you say nothing.

Gentleman: One who can disguise without being disagreeable.

Greetings: An occasion when you wear a toothpaste smile.

Historian: A person who is a living monument.

Honeymoon: A vacation a man takes before he goes to work for a new boss.

Humour: Anything that makes laugh but the finest sort draws a tear along with the laugh.

Husband: A man of few words.

Indigestion: The failure to adjust a square meal to a round stomach.

Kindness: A language which the dumb can speak and the deaf can hear.

Kitchen: Final laboratory of housewife (house maker).

Life insurance: A plan that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.

Life: Life is a hereditary disease.

Literature: The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.

Market: The place where you come to realise you need things you did not know you needed.

Marriage: An institution where a boy loses his bachelor's degree and girl gains her master's.

Mealtime: When youngsters sit down to continue eating.

Middle age: When you want to see how long your car will last instead how fast it will go.

Middle class: The people who live in public like the rich do and in private like the poor do.

Motorist: One who keeps pedestrian in good running condition.

Music: The only language in which you cannot say a mean or sarcastic thing.

Musician: A musician is one who plays when he works and works when he plays.

Nurse: A person who wakes you up to give you a sleeping pill.

Patience: The ability to put up with people you would like to put down.

Politician: A man who sacrifices your life for his country.

Politician: Politician is a person who shakes your hand before the election and confidence later.

Pubic speaking: The art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.

Sex: The formula by which one and one make three or more than that.

Smile: A small curve that solves big problems.

Suitcase: Something you sit on while waiting for the train.

Tourist: A tourist is a person who travels thousands of miles to get a snapshot of himself standing beside his car.

Woman: In the male view: A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

Women on diet: Most women who go on a diet are just wishful shrinkers.

Worry: Advance interest one pays on trouble that rarely comes.

Chemical: A substance that: 1) an organic chemist turns into a foul odor;

2) An analytical chemist turns into a procedure;

3) A physical chemist turns into a straight line;

4) A biochemist turns into a helix;

5) A chemical engineer turns into a profit.

Buy-logy: A science of shopping

Rush hours: when traffic sit and stand still.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Atom bomb: An invention to end all intentions.

Funny Definitions, Funny word meanings

Abundance - A baker's exercise (A-bun-dance)
Arbitrator - A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Arcade - A lemonade type drink served on Noah's Ark.
Avoidable - What a bullfighter tries to do.
Babysitter - A small child that has not learned to crawl or walk.
Baloney - Where some hemlines fall.
Band-Aid - A fund to help a band.
Bernadette - The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize - What a crook sees with.
Cadillac - Lack of cattle.
Contents - Where con men sleep while on a camping trip.
Control - A short, ugly inmate.
Cookout - The cook's day off.
Counterfeiters - Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Cowlick - Bashing a cow.
Cowhide - Game of Hide and Seek played by cows.
Detail - Removing a tail.
Dieting - The penalty for exceeding the feed limit.
Dog Paddle - A rolled-up newspaper with which to punish a dog without hurting it.
Doughnut - Holey food.
Eclipse - What a Cockney barber does for a living.
Eyedropper - A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Fan Club - A weapon used by a celebrity so he won't be crushed by fans.
Feather Brained - Fuzzy headed.
Feather Head - An American Indian Chief.
Fire Escape - A way for a fire to go out.
First Lady - Eve.
Flying Saucers - The wife is on a rampage.
Funny Paper - (1) A paper that laughs. (2) The paper you read instead of going to church.
Ghost Town - A town full of Haunted Houses.
Girl Scout - A boy that "scouts" for girls.
Good-bye - A bargain.
Gossip - 24-hour teller.
Handicap - A head cover that is easy to locate and wear.
Hardship - A ship protected by thick cover.
Hatchet - What a hen does to an egg.
Hay - Grass a-la-mowed.
Headlight - A dizzy spell.
Heavy Duty - Loading an elephant.
Hence - An enclosure around a hen yard.
Heroes - What a guy in a boat does.
High school - A school atop the Sears Building.
High water - The main reason Noah built the ark.
Himalaya - A rooster that lays an egg.
Holy Smoke - A church on fire.
House Keeper - A lady that kicks her husband out and keeps the house.
Ideal Person - A card player that wants to deal everytime.
Illegal - A sick bird.
Installment - Putting a horse in a stall.
Lad - A short ladder.
Laughing Stock - Cattle, horses, sheep and hogs responding to a good joke.
Layaway Plan - A pre-arranged burial plan.
Laying Down The Law - Putting the law aside and making your own rules.
Left Bank - What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Life Jacket - A special coat that lasts a lifetime.
Lip Service - Applying lipstick.
Little Dipper - A small boy diving.
Long Jump - When the cow jumped over the moon.
Matchbook - A book about matches.
Megaphone - A very large telephone.
Mistletoe - Any animal with a toe missing.
Misty - How golfers create divots.
Mohair - What bald headed men need.
Monkey Business - A petstore employing monkeys only.
Moron - Someone that spent all night studying for a blood test.
Moth Ball - A special social event for moths.
Negative Feedback - One result of seasickness.
Network - The process of making nets.
Outfit - Pitching a fit outdoors.
Over Leap - When the cow jumped over the moon.
Overloaded - An elephant riding a bicycle.
Oyster Bed - A place for an oyster to sleep.
Pacifist - One that can't advocate peace without clinching his fist.
Paradox - Two physicians.
Parasites - What you see from the top of the EiffelTower.
Pedestrian - An endagered species.
Period - A comma that curled up and went to sleep.
Pharmacist - A helper on the farm.
Piggyback - A lost pig is back home.
Pigment - A mint plant grown to feed hogs.
Pineapple - An apple that grew on a pine tree.
Polarize - What penguins see with.
Pole Vault - A vault where poles hid from Hitler.
Polite - A light on a pole.
Polygon - A parrot that got away.
Priesthood - A special headpiece for a priest.
Primate - Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Protest - Testing a professional person.
Put-down - To hot to handle.
Quarterback - Change when you pay for a 75¢ item with a dollar bill.
Reform - To gain or lose weight.
Refuse - Replacing a burned out fuse.
Relief - What trees do in the spring.
Remind - A brain transplant.
Rest Stop - The traffic light is stuck on red.
Retire - Replacement of tires.
Ringworm - Worm with a bell.
Rock Music - A lullaby sung in a rocking chair.
Roman - A person that never settles very long in one place.
Sausage - "Groundog".
Scorekeeper - Someone that knows the score but keeps it to himself.
Showoff - The show has been cancelled.
Selfish - What the owner of a seafood store does.
Single Entry - Single people only.
Standing Order - Freeze!
Subdued - Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
Sudafed - Brought litigation against a government official.
Sunny - A bright boy.
Sunbeam - A heat proof beam supporting the sun.
Sunburn - What you basked for.
Sundial - An old-timer.
Sweater - A person that freely perspires.
Syntax - All the money collected at the church from sinners.
Teenagers - People who are doing the things you wish we had thought of when we were younger.
Time Keeper - A guy that didn't return your watch.
Tireless - Have a car but have no tires.
Tooth Picks - The choices many dentists give patients to select their artificial teeth.
Touch-Me-Not - A person with a severe sunburn.
Travelers Aid - A soft drink for tourists.
Vitamin - What you do when someone comes to the house.
Waffle Iron - A special additive to put more iron in waffles.
Waterfall - A "watered-down" place in a stream.
Well Done - A water, gas or oil well is completed.
Weekend - A book with a blah ending.
Whether - Unpredictable weather.
Wildlife - Living it up!
Witchcraft - Handmade crafts made for Halloween.
Woodchuck - Throwing a heavy pole, post or other item made of wood.
Workout - An outside job.
Writer - One who corrects a wrong.
Year Book - A book that takes a year to read.
Zero Hour - Time kept by a "cuckoo" clock.

EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING YOUR H O M E W O R K

I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to MY TEACHER'S already heavy workload.

I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.

I put it in a safe, but lost the combination.

Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked.

I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away.

I left it in my shirt and my mother put the shirt for washing.

My little sister ate it.

Could not log on to indianchild.com.

A sudden wind blew it out of my hand and I never saw it again.

I was kidnapped by terrorists and they only just let me go, so I didn't have time to do it.

The lights in our house went out, and I had to burn it to get enough light to see the fuse box.

Another pupil fell in a lake, and I jumped in to rescue him but unfortunately my homework drown.

I used it to fill a hole in my shoe, you wouldn't want it now.

My father had a nervous breakdown and he cut it up to make paper dolls.

I didn't do it, because I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.

FUNNY DIALOGUES - FUNNY SAYINGS , DIALOGUE

Patient: Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
Psychiatrist: I'll deal with you later.

Patient: Everyone keeps ignoring me.
Psychiatrist: Next please!
Mother: Mrs. Jokes next door has a new baby.
Daughter: What will she do with her old one?
Mother: You prayed for grandma, grandpa, and Aunt Sue. Why didn't you pray for Uncle John too?
Daughter: I didn't want to ask for too much.
Parent: I'd like a day without punishing you.
Little Mishief: You have my full permission!
Sailor: I was shipwrecked, and lived on a can of sardines for a week.
Captain: My, weren't you afraid that you'd fall off?
Student: Could I get in trouble if I didn't do something?
Teacher: Well, I don't suppose so.
Student: In that case, I didn't do my homework.
Jim: What's white, steep, and has ears?
Tara: I don't know.
Jim: A snow-covered mountain.
Tara: What about the ears?
Jim: Haven't you ever heard of mountaineers?
Camp Counselor: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Camper: I bent down to smell a brose.
Camp Counselor: There isn't a B in rose.
Camper: There was in this one!
Student: Teacher, how can I look up a word to spell in the dictionary
if I don't know how to spell the word in the first place?
Teacher: Why do they call it a Hot Water Heater? You don't need to heat hot water!
Polly: Why are you eating nickels?
Molly: Because the teacher wants to see some change in me.
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I can't remember anything.
Doctor: How long have you had this problem?
Patient: What problem?
Ben: Did you hear about the new dance called the elevator?
Mike: I sure didn't! What's it like?
Ben: It has no steps!
Mailman 1: A dog bit me on the leg this morning.
Mailman 2: Did you put anything on it?
Mailman 1: No, he liked it plain.
Teacher: Joey, please use the word "wagon" in a sentence.
Joey: Ok, "If I told my dog to stop wagon his tail, he would still wag on."
Teacher: Charles, please use "discount" in a sentence.
Charles: Yes, ma'am. "Does discount as a sentence?"
Teacher: Duff, please use the word "window" in a sentence.
Duff: Yes, sir, here goes: "I entered a contest but didn't window."
Teacher: What do letters B.C. mean?
Pupil: Before Calculators.
Jake: I got an anonymous letter.
John: From whom?
Lenny: May I hold your hand?
Jenny: No, it is not that heavy.
Don: I didn't know our school was haunted.
Ron: Neither did I. How did you find out?
Don: Everybody's been talking about our school spirit.
Brent: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?
Trent: How tall are you?
Customer: When I bought this cat, you told me he was good for mice. He doesn't go near them!
Clerk: Well, isn't that good for mice?
Customer: Hi. I'm looking for a good buy.
Salesman: Oh. Ok. Goodbye.
Billy: Do you write with your right or left hand?
Joel: My left hand.
Billy: Wrong! You write with a pencil!
Jack: Did you hear about the giant that threw up?
Jill: No, how'd you know?
Jack: It is all over town!
Pam: Is it okay to eat hotdogs with hands?
Sam: No, hotdogs don't have hands!
Joe: I was built backwards.
Mary: How?
Joe: My nose runs, and my feet smell!
Mad Professor: I have made a new invention!
Student: What does it do?
Mad Professor: It allows people to look through brick walls!
Student: What is it called?
Mad Professor: It's called a window!
Bobby: I've owned this car for 15 years and never had a wreck.
Prospective buyer: You mean you've owned this wreck for 15 years and never had a car.
Mary: Did you know they're not making pencils any longer?
Sue: Wow! Why not?
Mary: They're already long enough!
Michael: I was on tv today.
Jeremy: You're kidding! How long were you on?
Michael: Not very much. When my mom saw me she just told me to get off.
Sarah: Why were you late for your plane?
Jan: I had to say goodbye to my pets.
Sarah: But you were 2 hours late!
Jan: I have an ant farm!
George: Look, I just found a lost baseball.
Louis: How do you know it's lost?
George: Because the kids down the street are still looking for it!
Mom: What are you doing?
Bob: Washing myself, of course.
Mom: Without soap and water?
Bob: Haven't you ever heard of dry cleaning.
Teacher: Say, you can't sleep in my class.
Student: I could if you didn't talk so loud.
Teacher: Chubb, who invented the airplane that did not fly?
Chubb: The Wrong Brothers.

HILARIOUS QUESTIONS

Where is the cat in the catwalk?

Do models walk like cats?
Why are apartments so close together?
What idiot put an 's' in the word lips?
If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?

What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Y2K???? Maybe 1 K just isn't enough.
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make
terrible?
If you had amnesia and then were cured, would you remember that you forgot?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Do hyenas laugh even when they are being killed?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
You know when you are driving and you notice one shoe on the road... whatever happened to the other shoe?
Why do we press harder on remote control buttons when we know the battery is dead?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
When you have your picture taken with Mickey Mouse at Disneyland, does the guy inside the costume smile for the camera?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in
the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has
wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If a member of a synchronized swimming team drowns, do the rest also drown?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why do sky divers wear helmets ?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

How can there be self-help groups?

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
How does the VCR clock work anyway?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How many times do you use a disposable razor?
Why do banks charge you an 'insufficient funds' fee for money they already know you don't have?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of his nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the frying pan?
If our knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?
If you are refinishing a table, shouldn't you have to restart?
If you have 24 odds and ends on a table, and 23 fall off, what do you have left, an odd or an end?
If you are cross-eyed and dyslexic at the same time, would you see okay?
If your in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn the headlights on?
When a crash-test-dummy hits his head, and no engineers record the results, does he make a sound?
When it rains, the sky is completely covered in clouds. How does the rain get through?
Where can you buy those little plastic ends to put on your shoe laces?
Why are there floatation device under plane seats, instead of parachutes?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why does sour cream have a use-by date?
Why does the door bell ring just after you've stepped out of the shower?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called a cargo?
Why is there always one in every crowd? If you took all the ones in every crowd and put them in another crowd, will there be one in that crowd?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why do we tend to raise our shoulders when we're out in the rain?
Why is it that when You're driving and looking for an address, You turn down the volume of the radio?
Why is it that you see this written on car seat belts:? This seat belt does not offer any protection if it is not buckled up?
Why is it that international magazines that advertise products will have the same description of something in different languages, but the description of each language is written in english? Who's that supposed to benefit?
Why do they print "serving suggestion" next to the picture of a product on its label?
Why do they print warning labels telling you not to eat poisonous substances when there isn't a "serving suggestion" on the label?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?
How did a fool and his money get together?
How do they get a deer to cross at the yellow road sign?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What is the speed of dark?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
How can there be self-help groups?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
I live on a one-way dead-end street. Makes sense ?
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
What would happen if there were no hypothetical questions?

.........................

Hilarious Words of Motherly Wisdom

......................

If a tree falls...

by David Lawrence

This is the question:

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Here are some answers:

If a tree falls in the forest...
Catholicism: It fell for our sins.
Judaism: Oy, the tree fell, again?!
Buddhism: There is no tree.
Islam: Islam is not really about knocking over trees.

Fundamentalism: The tree was Evil.
Racism: That kind of tree is always falling.
Plagiarism: That kind of tree is always falling.
Defeatism: All the trees are going to fall.
Pessimism: That is the forest of the fallen tree.
Optimism: Almost all the trees are standing.

Capitalism: Let's sell the wood.
Globalism: Let's sell the wood, half way around the world.
Communism: Let's knock over all the other trees.
Socialism: Let's ask the other trees to fall.
Nepotism: Give the tree to my cousin.
Isolationism: That tree is none of our business, in fact, neither is the forest.

And the one that actually tries to answer the question asked, is...

Quantum Physics: Of course not, by definition.

Things I've Learned

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more messed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "F**k 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Government Promises

In 1995 golf pro Premier, Mike Harris made HUGE cuts
To Social Assistance cheques, clearly this was nuts

Dubbed the "common sense revolution" by he
Was uncommonly senseless to the afflicted, you see

Harris and Tsubushi said tuna staple diet for the poor was fine
While eating steak, and condemning the poor, these political swine

22.6 per cent slashed from the poor's assistance cheques
Disabled and disadvantaged, worried who would come next

Ernie Eves then abused the defenceless poor
Like Mike Harris, treated them like manure

Then the Liberal McGuinty came, claimed he was Mr. Clean
Help for disabled and poor he promised, soon would be seen

Dalton lied, told tall tales, didn't tell the truth
Deceived people voted for him, at the polling booth

Along with McGuinty, was Kitchener's John Milloy
Seems this MPP does nothing for the poor, except annoy

So Politicians take notice, the poor are sick of you
Activists like OCAP: REVOLT, you still have much to do

To Social Assistance recipients, please, these words do hear
All we can expect from the Government, is injustice, poverty, and fear

- Written by Glenn Hedrich

Living on NOTHING

I’m disabled and can no longer work
Pension administered by some ODSP jerk

Trying to subsist on less than minimal money
Really and truly, the situation isn’t very funny

Try to make each and every penny count
And still the monthly bills do mount

Not even enough money for my basic needs
As a direct result of Governmental dirty deeds

Try to cut my expenses to the bone
Creativity I have now have to hone

Learn to repair and mend my stuff
Of doing this, I’m not a buff

Suffer severe embarrassment by standing in line
In able to have food bank hand outs on which to dine

Food half rotted, out of date, or stale
Most of it donated and bought on sale

By well meaning people
Convinced under a steeple

So I learn to cook very cheap cuts of meat
And to turn down the expensive apartment heat

I’m probably suffering vitamin deficiency
In the name of government “efficiency”

Necessarily, I eat more hamburger and Kraft Dinners
While greedy politicians eat steak and caviar, the sinners

Buy everything cheap at the bargain shop
So less pocket change, out I have to plop

Shop at Sally Anne and Value Village
While politicians continue to pillage

While politicians continue to play aristocrat
I do my dirty laundry at the local laundromat

While politicians have a nice car, and a big fancy house
I live in a decrepit tiny place, and set traps for the mouse

Cars and taxi’s, hah, no way for us
Being poor we have to take the bus

When bus fare runs out and I have nothing left to hock
I have no choice but to brave sub zero weather, and walk

Even with extremely careful cost cutting measures
Seeing my bank statement causes great displeasures

More money going out than what’s coming in
Still, buddy Dalton has the nerve to grin

And proudly announce he’s helping the poor
Idiot politicians: OK Dalton, right, yeah sure

At Queens Park there is no one to really care
If the poor actually survive, or how they fare

But just wait until the next voting day
McGuinty, Puppatello, you’re gonna pay

Like Harris and Eves, you will be booted out
I say this with conviction, and without a doubt

Written by Glenn Hedrich

10 New Words

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Etymology

The matter in boldface square brackets preceding the definition is the etymology. Meanings given in roman type within these brackets are not definitions of the entry, but are meanings of the Middle English, Old English, or non-English words within the brackets.

The etymology traces a vocabulary entry as far back as possible in English (as to Old English), tells from what language and in what form it came into English, and (except in the case of such words outside the general vocabulary of English as bascule and zloty) traces the pre-English source as far back as possible if the source is an Indo-European language. These etyma are printed in italics.

Old, Middle, and Modern

The etymology usually gives the Middle English and the Old English forms of words in the following style:

1nap . . . intransitive verb . . . [Middle English nappen, from Old English hnappian . . .]

1old . . . adjective [Middle English, from Old English eald . . .]

An etymology in which a word is traced back to Middle English but not to Old English indicates that the word is found in Middle English but not in those texts that have survived from the Old English period:

1slab . . . noun [Middle English slabbe]

1nag . . . noun . . . [Middle English nagge; akin to Dutch negge small horse]

An etymology in which a word is traced back directly to Old English with no intervening mention of Middle English indicates that the word has not survived continuously from Old English times to the present. Rather, it died out after the Old English period and has been revived in modern times:

ge·mot . . . noun [Old English gemt . . .]

thegn . . . . . . noun . . . [Old English . . .]

An etymology is not usually given for a word created in English by the combination of existing constituents or by functional shift. This indicates that the identity of the constituents is expected to be self-evident to the user.

book·shelf . . . noun . . . : an open shelf for holding books

1fire·proof . . . adjective . . . : proof against or resistant to fire

off-put·ting . . . adjective . . . : that puts one off : REPELLENT, DISCONCERTING

penal code noun . . . : a code of laws concerning crimes and offenses and their punishment

3stalk noun . . . 1 : the act of stalking

In the case of a family of words obviously related to a common English word but differing from it by containing various easily recognizable suffixes, an etymology is usually given only at the base word, even though some of the derivatives may have been formed in a language other than English:

1equal . . . adjective [Middle English, from Latin aequalis, from aequus level, equal] . . . 1 a (1) : of the same measure, quantity, amount, or number as another

equal·i·ty . . . noun . . . 1 : the quality or state of being equal

equal·ize . . . transitive verb . . .1 : to make equal

While equalize was formed in Modern English, equality was actually borrowed into Middle English (via Anglo-French) from Latin aequalitas.

Incorporating material from major scholarly reference works completed in recent years, the etymologies of late Old and Middle English words borrowed from French now apply the label "Anglo-French" to all medieval French words known to have been used in French documents written in Britain before about 1400. This treatment acknowledges that literate English speakers then were typically bilingual or trilingual readers and writers who cultivated distinctive varieties of Latin and French as well as of English, and that words moved easily from one to another of these three languages. The label "Anglo-French" should not be taken to mean that the etymon is attested exclusively in Anglo-French, for in the great majority of cases the word has a cognate form in the continental northern French of Picardy and Normandy or the French of Paris and its surroundings. Because Anglo-French is one dialect of medieval French, it falls within the domain of wider labels "Old French" and "Middle French," which cover all dialects of French in their respective time frames. A similar caution applies to derivative words:

1jour·ney . . . noun . . . [Middle English, from Anglo-French jurnee day, day's journey, from jur day, from Late Latin diurnum . . .]

This etymology does not mean that the derivation of jurnee from jur took place only in Anglo-French. Forms corresponding to Anglo-French jurnee exist in other dialects of Old and Middle French, as well as in Old Occitan, and the word survives in Modern French as journée, "day."

Languages Other Than English

The etymology gives the language from which words borrowed into English have come. It also gives the form or a transliteration of the word in that language if the form differs from that in English:

......................

These are real words!

CLINCHPOOPER: Someone who is a complete slob.

WISTERPOOPER: A slap along side the head.

THENAN: The palm of the hand.

So...If your kid is a CLINCHPOOPER, you should WISTERPOOPER them with your THENAN! LOL!

Humor

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

-- George Carlin

~~~~~

Funny Medical Definitions

Artery: The study of paintings.

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.

Barium: What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section: .A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan: Searching for kitty.

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.

Colic: A sheep dog.

Coma: A punctuation mark.

D & C: Where Washington is.

Dilate: To live long.

Enema: Not a friend.

Fester: Quicker than someone else.

Fibula: A small lie.

Genital: Non-Jewish person.

G. I. Series: World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.

Impotent: Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane.

Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates: Cheaper than day.

Node: Was aware of.

Outpatient: A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear: A fatherhood test.

Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative: A letter carrier.

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.

Rectum: Darn near killed him.

Secretion: Hiding something.

Seizure: Roman emperor.

Tablet: A small table.

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor: More than one.

Urine: Opposite of you're out.

Varicose: Nearby, close by.

Vein: Conceited

~~~~~

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

~~~~~

Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."

From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."

~~~~~

An anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has far too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!)

George Bush -- rearrange the letters -- He bugs Gore.

Dormitory -- rearrange the letters -- Dirty Room.

Evangelist -- rearrange the letters -- Evil's Agent.

Desperation -- rearrange the letters -- A Rope Ends It.

The Morse Code -- rearrange the letters -- Here Come Dots.

Slot Machines -- rearrange the letters -- Cash Lost In 'Em.

Animosity -- rearrange the letters -- Is No Amity.

Mother-in-law -- rearrange the letters -- Woman Hitler.

Snooze Alarms -- rearrange the letters -- Alas! No More Z's.

A Decimal Point -- rearrange the letters -- I'm A Dot In Place.

Eleven plus two -- rearrange the letters -- Twelve plus one.

And for the grand finale:

President Clinton of the USA -- can be arranged into -- To Copulate He Finds Interns.

~~~~~

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

~~~~~

What's another word for "thesaurus?"

~~~~~

How is it that "Fat Chance" and "Slim Chance" mean the same thing?!?!

~~~~~

Is there another word for synonym? -- George Carlin

~~~~~

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

~~~~~

100's of Jokes

& Cartoons

Be sure to see ButlerWebs' 100's of Jokes & Cartoons

with a separate page for more word fun!

Funny Definitions

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Did You Know? Fun Word Facts

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

F.Y.I.: The correct spelling is MILLENNIUM.

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

"C" is the most popular first letter when it comes to capital cities. The six state capitals that begin with the letter "C" are:

Carson City, Nevada

Charleston, West Virginia

Cheyenne, Wyoming

Columbia, South Carolina

Columbus, Ohio

Concord, New Hampshire

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

More capital cities names begin with "B" than any other letter -- Baghdad, Belfast, Belgrade, Berlin, Berne, Bogotá, Bonn, Brussels, Bucharest, Budapest, Buenos Aires -- just to name a few...

Most frequently spoken word on the Planet: OK

Source: http://yourdictionary.com

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Interesting Items About Words

Fact or Fiction??

Life in the 1500's...

Author Unknown

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The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (this one got extra credit).

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Compliments of CodaZepp

~~~~~

All-Time Best Oxymorons

Act naturally

Found missing

Resident alien

Advanced BASIC

Genuine imitation

Airline Food s

Good grief

Same difference

Almost exactly

Government organization

Sanitary landfill

Alone together

Silent scream

Living dead

Small crowd

Soft rock

New classic

Sweet sorrow

Childproof

Synthetic natural gas

Passive aggression

Taped live

Clearly misunderstood

Peace force

Plastic glasses

Terribly pleased

Definite maybe

Pretty ugly

Working vacation

Exact estimate

Microsoft Works

...............................

What causes heart attacks?

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

..........

THE SCIENCE OF KISSING

There is a general feeling in the public that IISc/IIT students are fundu, unassumingly lost in thought almost all the time. And girls fare no better in this respect. So let us see what a Non IISc/IITain may face when he marries a girl from this campus.

SCENE: First night of the marriage.

CHARACTERS: IISc/IIT Bride and Non IISc/IIT Groom.

The Groom approaches the Bride and proposes to kiss her. So let us see what would be her reaction..

GIRL FROM DEPT OF PHYSICS:

"Well kissing is relative. You can kiss me with respect to me or with respect to you. First, define how you are going to kiss. You can kiss me by treating me in the same reference frame as you are or treating me in a different inertial frame by producing waves of motion through your lips.

How do you prefer?

The guy faints.

GIRL FROM DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:

"Kissing is fine. You can kiss me provided you satisfy the following conditions.

Necessary conditions: You should be close to me by a distance delta where delta is greater than zero and the limit for delta tends to zero and you satisfy the closure property.

Sufficient conditions: You should have lips. Where the number of lips is neither more than two nor less than two. You can also kiss by defining your hand to be me if and only if you satisfy the above conditions.

The guy goes mad.

GIRL FORM ECOLOGICAL SCIENCES:

"Oh Kissing, that is interesting phenomena that occurs in nature. This is an initiating process for sex not only found in homosapiens but also in all heterosapiens, mammals, camels, vertebrates, invertebrates and insects. Out of 1000 ants observed in a closed laboratory in Zuvinich in Yugoslavia 90% of them seem to involve in the process of kissing but the subsequence is very random with probability 0.672139 that a male ant kiss female ant. First, observe the behavior of ants and cockroaches under various conditions. That will be very interesting, isn't it?

The guy has heart attack.

GIRL FROM CS (Computer Science):

"You want to kiss me. That is fine I assume that you know the algorithm for that very well. But you have to complete the process within 56.22 seconds or else connection will be timed out. To optimize the timing lets do parallel processing. As we have to discuss about our future and other things, let us do the process of discussion foreground and why can't you put the process of Kissing background?"

The guy applies for divorce.

GIRL from EE (Electrical Engineering):

"So you would like to kiss me. The process of kissing is an age-old communication process. The information content of the signal transmitted from one pair of lips to the other is more if the probability of the event (of kissing) is less. Hence, take care. If you want a successful communication between us, you should kiss me less often. If the information content is to be infinite, you should never kiss me at all!"

The guy is found hanging from a fan next day

5 surgeons are taking a coffee break.

1st surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

2nd surgeon says: "Nah, secretaries are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

3rd responds: "Try geologists, man! Everything inside THEM is color coded."

4th intercedes: "I like engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest.

There's no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and butt are interchangeable."

WHY I AM A BIOLOGIST

As my e-mail address indicates, I am a biologist. People sometimes ask me why. After much serious thought, I came up with this explanation: (Yes, it is original -- mine, completely mine.)

When I first started out, I was going to be a mathematician. So I took algebra, but I found that was highly variable.

So, I tried geometry. And that's where I learned all the angles.

Then I took calculus. That was truly an integrating experience, but it definitely had its limits.

After a great deal of consideration, I decided to turn away from math and give some serious thought to science.

I tried geology, but found that was kind of hard.

Next I tried physics but I knew that would never work.

And even though I'd heard chemists had all the solutions, I finally opted for biology because, after all, it's a living.

Sensual Guide To Departments

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.

Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.

Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.

Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab. and, most importantly,

Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

Time is relative.

Time is money.

Money is relative.

Relatives cost money.

Time is relative, and don't let your relatives spend too much time (or money).

Tell me why the stars do shine,

Tell me why the ivy twines,

Tell me what makes skies so blue,

And I'll tell you why I love you.

Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine,

Tropisms make the ivy twine,

Raleigh scattering make skies so blue,

Testicular hormones are why I love you.

A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class.

He took two earthworms and in front of the class he did the following:

He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl alcohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He asked the class if anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them.

A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said:

"You're showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms."

A woman who married for the fourth time appeared to be a virgin. She explained to her surprised new husband: "My first husband was a homosexual, the second had a weak heart and died during the wedding night. The Third was a gen therapeutist who kept telling me how good it would be if it would work.

A biology professor was addressing his class, wanting to see if they'd read the assigned text. He asked Miss Smith to stand. She does.

Professor: Miss Smith, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?

Miss Smith blushes and hesitates and giggles.

Proessor: Miss Smith, please sit down. Miss Jones, please stand and tell me if you know what part of the human body increases ten times when excited.

Miss Jones: Yes, Professor. It's the pupil of the eye.

Professor: Very good. Thank you Miss Jones, you may sit down. Miss

Smith, will you please stand again. (She does) I have three things to say to you.

1. You have not done your homework

2. You have a very dirty mind.

3. You're in for a big disappointment.

10 sentences teachers say (and their true meanings):

1. This book is very commonly used

(I also studied from it 40 years ago)

2. It's important to understand what the material means in general

(I'm not good with details)

3. Some might say...

(My guess is...)

4. The answer to that question is not in the syllabus

(I don't know the answer to your question)

5. We'll discuss that question next week

(I don't know the answer to your question now)

6. I'll let you search in the dictionary and find out

(I don't know how to spell that word)

7. Some of you could have succeeded more in the test

(You all failed)

8. Are there any questions about the material we learned last lesson?

(Did any of you review the material as I asked?)

9. Today we'll split up into small studying groups

(I don't feel like teaching today so keep yourselves busy)

10. The homework is due on Monday

(Ruining your weekend is the only fun I have left in teaching)

....................

The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. "All right" says the Doc, "drop 'em and let's have a look." Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims "Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!".

The patient is a bit embarrassed and says "Look Doc, what about the rash?"

"Oh that's easy," said the Doc, "Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask....."

"No," said the patient, "You can't. Now, is that all Doc?"

"Well, " said the Doctor, " You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!"

The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.

"What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!"

"Ah" he said, "And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."

Happy Soldiers

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"

Diving Accident

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

Shrinks' Problems

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

Items For Prison

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail".

Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said,
"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked - "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said - "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating"...

Double Vodkas

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".

"Yeah, my wife..."

The Wrong Way

As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

Sugar Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered enough strength to get out bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.

With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies.

Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "They're for the funeral!"

Honey Pie

After a nice dinner the two couples got up from the table. The ladies went into the kitchen and the men went into the family room.
One of the gents said to the other, "I think it is so wonderful how you call your wife, "honey pie" and "sweet pea", and "sugar" all the time.
The other gent said, "Well to tell you the truth, four years ago, I forget her name."

......................

When the family moved into their new house, visiting relative asked the little five-year-old how he liked new place. "It's terrific," he said. "I now have my own room, Sunil ahs his own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.

Two men, Ron and Peter having a conservation: "I would like to see a woman dentist, " said Ron "Why?" asked Peter. "Because", Ron says, "It would be a pleasure to have a woman say, ' open your mouth' instead of 'shut up'.

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid a large sum of money if she would go to Italy so secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write, "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, "You received a very strange post card today. "Oh, just give it to me and I will explain it," he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted. On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.

Mike was telling his friends about how when his one son was born except for one thing, he was laughing like crazy. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little boy, in front of the worried parents, but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a paediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and guess what he found? The birth control pill!

A lady walks into the druggist for some arsenic. The druggist asks "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?" The lady says, "To kill my husband." "I can't sell you any for that reason, " says the druggist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife and shows it to the druggist. He looks at the photo and says, "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription."

GALLILEO: great mind,

EINSTEIN: genius mind.

Newton: extraordinary mind.

BILL GATES: brilliant mind.

YOU: never mind.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the house work, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don’t work enough, you are a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism.

If she gets one ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how mice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.

If you don’t, you are insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she is a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that is domination.

If she asks you, it’s a favour.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.

If you don’t you is a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.

If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.

If you don’t, you are not ambitious.

EX Alphabet!

A is for the automobile which he doesn't won.

B is also for brain which was located between his legs.

C is for the commitment that was never there.

D is for he dildo he didn't know I had.

E is for ego. His was bigger than a hot air balloon.

F is for his faithfulness, as long as there wasn't something or someone better to do.

G is for the spot he could never find!

H is for laughter (HA! HA!) the last sound he heard from me as he was walking out the door.

I is for jugular, the one I would love to sever.

K is for kinky, he always started without me.

L is for love in some cases, but exceptions have been made, L is for LOSER in this case, along with also LUSH.

M is for MAN. Has anyone been able to find one? Have you ever met one? Do you know where any are?

N is for the narcotics. He drove me past alcohol.

O is for the orgasm he thought he made me have.

P is for PAYBACKS. Remember they are HELL!

Q is for queer. I sometimes wonder if he is.

R is for the hopeless, not to mention worthless.

S is also for satisfied, which he rarely made me feel.

T is for typical. Typical little boy playing at being a man.

U is also for the ugly girl he is dating now.

V is for the voodoo doll I made of him.

W is for wife, the one he said he didn't have.

X is what he is to me now… EX XXX!!!!

y is for WHY the hell did I ever get involved with him.

Z is not for anything, just like him, he wasn't anything either.

On the wall in a ladies bathroom: "My husband follows me everywhere'

Written just below it: "I do not".

Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put then down and forget where they left them.

One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

My mind not only wanders, it sometimes abandons me completely.

The best way o forget all your troubles is to wear really tight shoes.

The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know you are doing someone else does.

The order you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I thin I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

A man was carrying three babies in a train. The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?

MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer COMPLAINTS.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively. "Ummm, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She yells at the top of her lungs, " NO, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, " I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a graduate student in psychology and I am studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. " At the top of his lungs, he respond, "What do you mean $200?"

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You are really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "I just am did what you said, DOC: "Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "The doctor said, " I said, " I didn't say that, I said, "You got a heart mummer. Be careful."

Reading

After reading the book on 'bad Smoking' I gave up smoking. After reading book on 'bad Drinking' I stoped drinking. After reading the book on 'bad Sex' I gave up Reading!

He came 2 me 1 nite

explored my body

licked

sucked

swallowed

and had his fill

wen satisfied he left...

I was hurt...

BY A MOSQUITO

Juice

Hard hard in

Soft soft Out

In out In out

Juice come out

Don't think dirty give me a glass of SUGAR CANE pls

Hole

was a

romantic

nite

took

me to

bed

opened

all

cover's

inserted

his tongue

into my

Hole

i was

melting

in his

mouth

THANK GOD

I am polo mint

with a hole

THE SPEECH

A Schoolmaster from a remote rural area was transferred to a school in Bombay. He reported for duty two days before August 15 and, as was the practice in the school, was asked to address the assembly on Independence Day.

Here's his dynamite speech : Leddies and Gentulmens, Contemporaries, Children, "This is my first maiden speech. If small small mistakes get inside my speech, I ask pardon. Stickly speaking, I wanted to joint your school more fastly, but for the following reason. Too much time lost in getting slipper reservation in three-tyre compartment. The clerk rejected to give ticket. I put complaint on station master. He said me to go to lady clerk. At first she also rejected. I then pressed her for long time and at last with great difficulty she gave a birth only to my son. Anyway I thanked the station master because he was responsible for getting birth of my son.

We got independent because of great leaders linke Gandhiji who get-outted all angrezi peoples from India. Tilak said Swaraj is our birth-rate and we shall halve it. Today we all halve our birth-rate. You children are future dynamic generators of the Nation. Look into future time only. No backside looking, or looking at your behind. Be like great like X' raj Ranjan of Germany or Presidents like Loosebelt. You know genius, no? It is one per cent perspiration and ninety seven percent evaporation. They became great by reading great books. After we finish you here in the school, you can go to college and get B.A., M.A. and other decrease. Then you can become great liars in the supreme courts, shattered accountants, or leacherers in college.

The school is like a garden. You are the seeds, school is the soil. We will bury you in this soil, pour water of knowledge on your heads and one day will become great phools. Many vacancy job come in newspapers. Only yesterday I saw in paper "Wanted for refuted engineering firm: Generators, highpower condensors" so and so forth, etc. These jobs may be teknickel, but you can rise. If you have flare in English, you can become teacher.

I am now ending this fastly. My God blast you! Thank you and thank God I am finished. Joy

These are some of the application and leave letters written by various personnel. English as they say is a funny language!!!

1. A candidate's application. "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both for the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post.

2. An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one week leave.

3. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school i am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today."

5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend's letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school"

6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster : As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.

7. Another leave letter written to Administration dept : As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days

These are some of the application and leave letters written by various personnel. English as they say is a funny language!!!

2. An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one week leave.

3. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I have to go to the cremation ground and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

4. A friend of mine had written a leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school i am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today."

5. A family friend of ours told an incident of his friend's letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare holiday to the school"

6. Another leave letter written to the headmaster : As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.

7. Another leave letter written to Administration dept : As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days

"OUR REQUIREMENTS"...

yaani ki "Humne to bahut zaroorat hai"

"NO FURTHER CORRESPONDENCE"...

Yaani ki "Aage chitthi bhejne ki jarurat nahin hai, Jaise bhi ho jaldi se aajao"

"WILL BE ENTERTAINED"...

yaani ki "Bahut khatir ki jayegi"

Mirza Ghalib

Once, mirza ghalib, the gr8 shayar, is caught doing susu outside his mehbooba's house....

she sez.. "kya kar rahe ho...??"

he sez....

"khoya hua hoon main itne ghum mein tere vaaste...."

"ki ab aansoo bhi dhoond

Newton sees Mithunda and Rajnikanth films!

Recently the father of physics made a visit to earth to watch a movie. He watched a few Indian movies and had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logics and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologised for everything he had done.

In the movie of Mithun Chakravarthy Newton dada was confused to such an extent that he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:

1)Mithunda has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our great Mithunda is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bullet passes through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he is cured. Long Live Mithunda

2)In one of the movies, Mithunda is confronted with 2 gangsters. Mithunda has a Gun but unfortunately only one bullet. Guess, what he does....... He holds a knife in his hand and shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts the bullet into 2 pieces and kills both the gangsters. Then, Mithunda utters the following dialogue "Apun ka naam hai HIRA, Apun ne sabko Chiraa".

3)Mithunda is chased by a gangster. Mithunda has a revolvver but he got no bullets in it. Guess, what he does. Nah not even in your remotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon as the gangster shoots, Mithunda opens the bullet compartment of his revolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... And the gangster dies....

4)The heroine is tied to an electric chair and the remote is in the hands of the villain about 100 km away. As usual, the villain confronts the hero saying "Hathiyar phek do warna main yeh remote ka button dabake tumhari mehbooba ko mar doonga".

The usual fight occurs and just as the hero makes the final blow, the villain dies but not before he presses than damn button. Now what to do? Sure enough, there is a horse and the hero jumps on it. Now there is a race: The current in the cable connected to the electric chair is moving fast but our hero and his horse are desparately trying tocatch up.... goes on for a few km and just as the current would hit the chair, the hero jumps from the horse and picks the girl away from the chain and husssshhhh. She is saved. The poor electric current only goes to an empty chair. Climax, taaalian. Hero! Hero!! Hero!!!

This was too much for our Newton to take and he was completely pissed off and he decided to go back. But he happened to see a Rajnikanth movie for one last time and thought that atleast one movie will follow his theory of physics.

The whole movies goes fine and newton is happy that all in the world hasnt changed. Oops not so fast. The climax finally arrives. Rajni gets to know that the villian is on the the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajni can't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques that our heroes normally use. Rajni has to desparalety kill the villian because its the climax Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible.. Rajni suddenly pulls two guns from his pocket (Probably a backup). He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached the height of the wall ,he shoots at the trigger of the first gun in air, with his second gun. Now the first gun fires off and the villian is dead.

Newton faints !!!

Bhola at the "Kaun Banega Karodpati"

Bhola goes to 'Kaun Banega Karodpati' show.

Amitabh Bachchan asks him, "Bholaji aap kiske saath yahan aaye hai?"

Bhola : " Pitaaji ke saath".

Amitabh : "Aap ke pitaaji ka shubhnaam?"

Bhola : "Hmm.... yes."

Amitabh : "Amm.... kya naam hai aapke pitaji ka?"

Bhola : "Hmm... OK."

Amitabh : "Are Bholaji, main aapse aapke pitaji ka naam poochh raha hoon"

Bhola : "Pehle mujhe chaar options to do ! ! !"

The Kid and his train!

A kid was playing with his newly bought play train. After every turn was completed the kid stopped the train and shouted, "Station aa gaya hai! Jis ULLU KE PATHEY ko utarna hai utar jaey!"

Then he let the train go on the round and stopped it again at the same place. He shouted, "Station aa gaya hai! Jis ULLU KE PATHEY ko utarna hai utar jaey!"

And so it went for sometime. Everytime the train stopped the kid would scream the same sentence. His Dad, sitting near him, got a little worried about the kid using bad language. He took the train away from him and scolded the child, "Don't talk like that!"

The kid sat silently for sometime and Dad couldn't bear to see the sad innocent face. He returned the train back to him saying, "Now son, don't talk like that again."

The kid started playing. The train took the same turn and stopped and the kid shouted, "Station aa gaya hai! Jis ULLU KE PATHE ko utarna hai utar jaey! Pehley hee ek ULLU KE PATHEY ke waja se train aadha ghanta late ho gaee hai!"

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Kake Da Hotel

A well dressed man was having a dinner in "Kake Da Hotel".After he finished his dinner, he started to wash his hands with table and chair. The owner saw him and got real angry and asked, "Have you had dinner in some nice hotel before?"

Man: "Ya!" "I had dinner once in Ashoka Hotel."

Owner: "There also, you washed your hands with table and chair?"

Man: "Yes, I did."

Owner: "Nobody told you anything!"

Man: "They kicked me and said 'agar ase hi karna hai to kisi Kake Da Hotel mae jake khana khaa'.

A British Diplomat visits India. The Indian Prime minister is showing him around.They pass the Parliament House and find a man pissing on the wall.

The British Official asks in Hindi: "daekhoo saalaa muut rahaa hai! tumharaa police nahin pakarta? kaisaa daesh hai Bharat?" (Look, the bugger is pissing. Doesn't the police catch hold ? What a country!)

Undaunted, the Pradhanmantri replies: "Nahin. Ham Hindustani log apnaa khud pakartaa." (No, We Indians hold it ourselves.)

In a party, a sardar asked a beautiful lady - Do u believe in free sex?

Lady : irritated, - NO

Sardar - "OK" then how much do you charge ?

---

Submitted by :

Baljeet, vittisuri@hotmail.com

EK RAMLILA KA HANUMAN THA FRAAR.

IS ROLE MEIN UNHONE FIT KIYA EK SARDAR.

MAAR KE PED SE EK LAMBI CHAAL.

BOLA SITA MAIYA "SAT SRI AKAL"

---

Submitted by :

Baljeet, vittisuri@hotmail.com

SARDARNI : KAL EK CHOR AAYA AUR MERE SATH SEXX KARKE CHALA GAYA.

SARDAR : TUMNE USE ROKA KYON NAHIN?

SARDARNI : BAHUT KAHA RUKNE KE LIYE, BOLA KAL AAUNGA.

---

Submitted by :

Baljeet, vittisuri@hotmail.com

Lie Detector

An Englishman, an American and a Sardarji are called upon to test a lie detector .

The Englishman says: "I think I can empty 20 bottles of beer".

BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.

"Ok", he says, "10 bottles".

And the machine is silent.

The American says: "I think I can eat 15 hamburgers".

BUZZZZZZ, goes the lie detector.

"All right, 8 hamburgers".

And the machine's silent.

The Sardarji says: "I think...",

BUZZZZZZ goes the machine.

Photocopy

One sardar needed two plain papers but he had only one. Do you know what he did: he photocopied the plain paper one which he had.

Sardar's mother's letter to sardar

Pyaarey puttar,

Vahe Guru. I' m writing this letter slow, because I know you cannot read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I won't be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine Situated right above the commode. I'm not sure it works too well. Last Week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.

The weather here isn' t too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be A little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it' s a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your uncle, Jatinder fell in a the nearby oil well. Some men Tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to Fulfil his father' s last wishes. His father had wished to be Buried In the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father. There isn't much more news this time.

Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom.

Suicide

Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" (Why do you take these things with you?). Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na marjaun" (If the stupid train comes late, I will die of hunger!)

Laloo Prasad Inside the Class :

1) Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.

2) Open the windows of the doors. Let the Air Force come in.

3) Cut an apple into two halves - take the bigger half.

4) Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away in the corridor

5) You, meet me behind the class. (meaning AFTER the class ..)

6) Both of u three, get out of the class.

7) Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today.

8) Take Copper Wire of any metal especially of Silver.....

9) Take 5 cm wire of any length....

About his family :

1) I have two daughters. Both of them are girls..

At the ground :

1) All of you, stand in a straight circle.

2) There is no wind in the balloon.

To a boy, angrily :

1) I talk, he talk, why you middle middle talk ?

Giving a punishment :

1) You, rotate the ground four times...

2) You, go and under-stand the tree...

3) You three of you, stand together separately.

4) Why are you late - say YES or NO ....(?)

Laloo in Cinema :

Laloo had once gone to a film with his wife Rawdi Devi. By chance, he happened to see one of our servent at the theatre, though the servent did not see them. So the next day at Home... ( to that servent ) - "Yesterday I saw you WITH MY WIFE at the Cinema Theatre"

Once Laloo was coming out of Airport

As there was huge rush at the Airport. The security guard told Laloo "WAIT SIR". Laloo replied "65Kgs" and moved on...

Once Laloo wanted to know the time difference between Bihar and Las Vegas. So he called up the Tourist dept and asked them "Ji could you tell me the time between Patna and Las Begas...". The man at the other end replies "One second sir..." and Laloo immediately replies "thank you" and puts the phone down.

At a bar in New York, the man to Laloo's left tells the

waiter,"JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and the man's companion says, "BAGPIPER, SINGLE." The waiter approaches Laloo and asks, "AND YOU, SIR?" Laloo replies: "LALOO YADAV, MARRIED."

Laloo was hosting a Japanese Delegation for Business Development to Bihar. The Japanese Embssary was quite impressed with Bihar and he stated, "Bihar is an excellent state. Give us three years and we will turn it into an economic superpower like Japan." Laloo was very surprised. "You Japanese are very inepicient," he stated "Give me three days and I will turn Japan into Bihar"

A reporter asked Laloo "What is the main reason for a divorce ?" Laloo Said "Marriage"

Laloo in Heaven

Laloo died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of yamraj , he saw a huge wall of clocks behind. he asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Yamraj answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Laloo, "Who's clock is that?"

That's Gautam Buddha's. The hands have never moved indicating that he never told a lie.

"And whose clock is that?"

That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abraham only told 2 lies in his entire life."

Laloo asked, "Where's my clock?"

Your clock is in my office", replied yamraj, "I'm using it as a ceiling fan"

Runs in the family!

One day Laloo appeared on KBC(Kaun Banega Crorepathy) with him he brought his entire family.

First question : One plus One?

Laloo thinking : uses all lifelines and answers three

Amitji : Sorry Laloo wrong jawaab

groans from laloo`s family : give him one more chance give him one more chance

Amitji feeling sorry for distraught laloo, decides to give him another go

so he asks Laloo : three plus two?

Lalloo answers :six

Amitji cannot believe it, but because Laloo`s family begs for him to give Laloo another chance, he does

Amitji : Laloo last chance, three plus three?

Lalloo sweating answers six

Amitji is silent, suddenly there is a roar from laloo`s family: give him one more chance, give him one more chance...

Laloo after coming back from a three hour long speech, says: Saala pura body headache maar raha hai

..........................................

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